Shit Nigger Duck Balls

[Bungie]

kk.  we have all had a moment where things just fucked up. mine was i was sitting on a gate and it ripped the back of my pants off.
everyone had to stare at my ass all day. i stood in a lot of lines. i couldnt wait for the day to end. anyone got anything?

[Stobbin]

I'm going to edit the title of this thread to make it more appropriate and family friendly.

It was originally: Shit Nigger Cock Balls

[Bungie]

awww ok

[Bungie]

F5 F5 F5!

[Stu]

I once accidentally a coke bottle, that was pretty bad.

[Dominator]

I keep having dreams where I'm not wearing pants at work.  It makes me sad because then I can't JIMP

[StaFForD]

I keep having dreams where Dom is not wearing pants at work. It makes me sad because I know that he is sad that he can't JIMP

[KoiHaibane]

Probably not embarrassing but annoying to say the least, but when I used to wear contact lenses in high school I lost one just as I got to school and had to go the entire day only being able to see out of one eye. I had my right eye closed most of the day and I looked ridiculous. I had the biggest headache....

[Combat Wombat]

I once accidentally a coke bottle, that was pretty bad.

Missing a verb there, Stu. Allow me to fix it for you.

I once accidentally swallowed a coke bottle, that was pretty bad.

[Stu]

I once accidentally a coke bottle, that was pretty bad.

Missing a verb there, Stu. Allow me to fix it for you.

I once accidentally swallowed a coke bottle, that was pretty bad.

No i didnt swallow the coke bottle, I accidentally it. See, i was innocently the coke bottle but then i accidentally the whole thing :|

[Combat Wombat]

I once accidentally a coke bottle, that was pretty bad.

Missing a verb there, Stu. Allow me to fix it for you.

I once accidentally swallowed a coke bottle, that was pretty bad.

No i didnt swallow the coke bottle, I accidentally it. See, i was innocently the coke bottle but then i accidentally the whole thing :|

That hurt my brain a little bit.

[Stu]

That hurt my brain a little bit.

Lol.

[Stobbin]

How fast can you yell:  "Don't open that map box!  There's a hornet's nest in that fucking thing!"

Answer:  Not fast enough.

I was hiking in Montana with my Scout troop in 1996.  Up in the mountains.  Far out of cell phone coverage (at the time).  There were about 8 of us in the group with another group of 8 about 3 miles ahead of us.  Anyway...  we're walking a narrow path in single file.   I was the third person in line and therefore did not see the information stand for an intersecting horse trail first.  The two idiots in front of me did.  We already had a map.  They didn't see the swarm of insects flying in and out of the bottom.

I yelled "Stop! Theres..." and then had to run for my fucking life.  Running with a 50 lb backpack over rocky terrain is not easy.  Or technically running.

The first two idiots managed to escape with only a few stings.  I got a whopping total of 19 stings on my face and hands.  This caused my nose and lips to balloon out of porportion and my left eye to nearly close.

Wait! Story not over.  We then had no choice to continue the hike.  The drop off vehicle had been gone for 6 hours and the pickup vehicle would not arrive for three days.   Thirty miles away.   Could it get worse?  Yes.  Yes it could.

The second group (who thought the hike was actually a race between the two groups) was so ahead of us that our walkie-talkies no longer recieved each other.   We had split up the supplies in advance of the trip to evenly distribute the weight for all of the hikers.

Group A had the stoves, ground tarps, tent stakes and the MEDICAL SUPPLIES.  They also had half the food, but it was split up in such a way that nothing edible could be made without both sets.  Example:  We had cans of spam and pudding mix.  They had the pita bread and kool-aid.  Group B (my group) had tents and tent poles.   We also had the other half of the food.

Could it get worse?!  Yes.  Yes it could.  My group also had the Scoutmaster with arthritis in his knees.  This made the 3 day hike to rescue a FIVE day hike to salvation.  (This was also the guy that demanded that on the 18 hour Amtrak ride we stay in FULL SCOUT UNIFORM.  Meaning that we had to ride an extremely full public train in full dork regalia.  So uncomfortable in restrictive clothing and humiliated that most of us couldn't sleep.  (So this whole story really starts with sleep deprivation) I hate that man to this day.)

Luckily by the time we made it to the end I could see out of my left eye and flex my hands again.  Good times.

[KoiHaibane]

Insert story here

Luckily by the time we made it to the end I could see out of my left eye and flex my hands again.  Good times.

That's what she said

[Raz-K]

hmmmm mine would be while i was working at tobacco barn, i went to work and was there my entire shift b4 my manager marsha told my i had a hole in my pants, my entire ass was hanging out... bitch...

Or another time , @ tobacco barn some lady was there trying to say i didn't refund her card , she called back later on and i put the phone down when she asked for the manager so i yelled "Hey tanya Phone!!! "

"who is it"

"I don't know I think it's that stupid bitch from earlier"

you can tell that young man that yes this is the stupid bitch from earlier. [/b]

[Stu]

Seriously though: Me and my fiancee went up to see my dad, which meant a 3 1/2 hour journey involving 3 trains and 4 undergrounds. Upon getting into London Central, we found that no underground services were running in the direction we wanted to go in, meaning we had to ride around the whole tube network to get to the right station. Where our last train was delayed for 2 fucking hours. We left mine at mid-day, and got to my dads at about 8pm. Plus, it was her time of the month which didn't help either of our stress levels. It gets worse, because she's not a very good traveller and was violently sick for the next couple of days. Did i ever mention how much i hate trains??

[KoiHaibane]

Seriously though: Me and my fiancee went up to see my dad, which meant a 3 1/2 hour journey involving 3 trains and 4 undergrounds. Upon getting into London Central, we found that no underground services were running in the direction we wanted to go in, meaning we had to ride around the whole tube network to get to the right station. Where our last train was delayed for 2 fucking hours. We left mine at mid-day, and got to my dads at about 8pm. Plus, it was her time of the month which didn't help either of our stress levels. It gets worse, because she's not a very good traveller and was violently sick for the next couple of days. Did i ever mention how much i hate trains??

I remember when I was in London. I hated the tube. I've been in subways in America, but the tube was just awful It was difficult to navigate around for my personal taste.

[Stu]

I remember when I was in London. I hated the tube. I've been in subways in America, but the tube was just awful It was difficult to navigate around for my personal taste.

Plus in summer its like a goddamn sauna down there. Try and picture standing in an actual sauna with about 70 fat, sweaty businessmen reading the paper. Glad i don't actually live in london though

Edit: Dont get me started about navigating the london underground...

[Dominator]

Do you guys ever think of your embarrassing moments and start saying things as you think of them out loud?  I do this a lot no matter where I am like if I ever said something randomly stupid to someone (I do that a lot) or shake someones hand when they where just pointing to there hand.  Anyways when I think of those moments I start saying my name out loud like I'm yelling at me and then I start saying "you stupid idiot" and then comes another embarrasing moment when someone was watching me do that and that just multiplied the whole fucking thing...

I hope someone else does this or I would either feel stupid or special...

[DaRKToFu/CoNFuZD]

Lol, dom i used to do thattttttt!

[Stu]

Do you guys ever think of your embarrassing moments and start saying things as you think of them out loud?  I do this a lot no matter where I am like if I ever said something randomly stupid to someone (I do that a lot) or shake someones hand when they where just pointing to there hand.  Anyways when I think of those moments I start saying my name out loud like I'm yelling at me and then I start saying "you stupid idiot" and then comes another embarrasing moment when someone was watching me do that and that just multiplied the whole fucking thing...

I hope someone else does this or I would either feel stupid or special...

You mean when you're thinking of something really random, then someone asks you something and you blurt out what you were thinking? If so then yeah that happens all the time. You'd think that people would like the fact that you say what you think, but you'd be surprised.

[Dominator]

I do that time to time to stu, or when I'm typing on the forum if I'm thinking of a word I'll write it out on accident or even if someone is talking to me I'll write something their saying on accident.

[Bungie]

Dark Tofu your hand is bleeding pretty bad... I think you might need a doctor.  Anyways i still do that dom

[omfgcows]

i love to laugh at my misfortunes
it makes it better
heres the only one i can think of: its not that bad
So its summer and zach, alex, carlos, jessica, natalie, and me were going to go to lucky strike downtown (just off navy pier)
we had just came from school (zack and nat go to "jones" downtown and everyone else goes to lmsa on the south side)
going north from the grand stop of the red line you have to walk about 4 blocks to get to the theater
about a block north of the station theres a jimmy johns and i dont eat the crap they serve at school so i was fucking starving
i go in and get a veggie sandvich no mayo (lacto-vegan)
at the end of that block there was construction going on and the workers were those that always crack "jokes" as people walk along
one of them says "NICE SANDVICH KID!" because im nom nom noming it as i walk by
alex screams out "WELL YOU CANT HAVE ANY"
alex has hair VERY similar to mine from certain angles
now, theyre 2 theaters within 3 blocks downtown and we were really close to "Heaven on seven" which is crappier but its closer
so we decided to check the movie times there
it was a shorter wait than to watch it at lucky strike so we decided to go there
when were there my friends are like "HUURRR DURRR I BECAME HUNGRY IN THE 30 SECONDS SINCE WE LEFT FUCKING JIMMY JOHNS, LETS GO BACK THERE FOR FOOD"
sure... lets
the construction is still going on
we get there and they all get theyre sanviches and nom it and then we head back to the theater
the contruction is going on and im walking
one of the contruction workers is like "HEY ITS THAT FAG WITH THE SANDVICH AGAIN! LETS GET HIM BACK"
so... just as im about to walk from the sidewalk onto the street they open up a little square in the floor that is full of wet cement
(mind you im talking to my friends and not paying attention to whats around you [one of the skills you learn as a chicagoan: apathy])
i go in leg first into the puddle of wet cement
IM UP TO MY FUCKING KNEES
and what did my amazingly helpful friends do?
LAUGH, LAUGH THEYRE ASSES OFF
FOR ABOUT 2 MINS WHILE I STRUGGLED TO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING PUDDLE
but its all cool, and its not over
this shit is going to harden any second now that im out of the pit and i do some quick thinking (maybe i wasnt really thinking)
i make a dash for the theater and go to the bathroom
i basically wash my pants and shoes in the sink
all cool right?
NO
after the movie is over i have to take a piss
once done i go to wash my hands
the cement has hardened and the sink basically is completely blocked off
...great
(from here on out what i say is exactly as i said it that day)
i run back to the theater room and say "Guys, lets GTFO"
theyre like "BUT WRRY???"
i say "STFU AND JUST KEEP WALKING, DONT LOOK BACK"
to this day i have never gone back to that same theater

[Bungie]

yeah wet semen cement hurts like a bitch when it hardens.

[Luko]

Official Face-Palm Thread.

[nothingclever]

Nothing embarrassing ever happens to me. I naturally exude awesome all the time. Even my shits emasculate people.

[SquidPron]

Do you guys ever think of your embarrassing moments and start saying things as you think of them out loud?  I do this a lot no matter where I am like if I ever said something randomly stupid to someone (I do that a lot) or shake someones hand when they where just pointing to there hand.  Anyways when I think of those moments I start saying my name out loud like I'm yelling at me and then I start saying "you stupid idiot" and then comes another embarrasing moment when someone was watching me do that and that just multiplied the whole fucking thing...

I hope someone else does this or I would either feel stupid or special...

You mean when you're thinking of something really random, then someone asks you something and you blurt out what you were thinking? If so then yeah that happens all the time. You'd think that people would like the fact that you say what you think, but you'd be surprised.

Me, at work with a client: "Ok, I need you to sign this taco please."
(Confused look from client)
"... I mean paper."
My boss: "Alisa, do you need to take the rest of the day off?"

[Undakada (UOM)]

How fast can you yell:  "Don't open that map box!  There's a hornet's nest in that fucking thing!"

Answer:  Not fast enough.

I was hiking in Montana with my Scout troop in 1996.  Up in the mountains.  Far out of cell phone coverage (at the time).  There were about 8 of us in the group with another group of 8 about 3 miles ahead of us.  Anyway...  we're walking a narrow path in single file.   I was the third person in line and therefore did not see the information stand for an intersecting horse trail first.  The two idiots in front of me did.  We already had a map.  They didn't see the swarm of insects flying in and out of the bottom.

I yelled "Stop! Theres..." and then had to run for my fucking life.  Running with a 50 lb backpack over rocky terrain is not easy.  Or technically running.

The first two idiots managed to escape with only a few stings.  I got a whopping total of 19 stings on my face and hands.  This caused my nose and lips to balloon out of porportion and my left eye to nearly close.

Wait! Story not over.  We then had no choice to continue the hike.  The drop off vehicle had been gone for 6 hours and the pickup vehicle would not arrive for three days.   Thirty miles away.   Could it get worse?  Yes.  Yes it could.

The second group (who thought the hike was actually a race between the two groups) was so ahead of us that our walkie-talkies no longer recieved each other.   We had split up the supplies in advance of the trip to evenly distribute the weight for all of the hikers.

Group A had the stoves, ground tarps, tent stakes and the MEDICAL SUPPLIES.  They also had half the food, but it was split up in such a way that nothing edible could be made without both sets.  Example:  We had cans of spam and pudding mix.  They had the pita bread and kool-aid.  Group B (my group) had tents and tent poles.   We also had the other half of the food.

Could it get worse?!  Yes.  Yes it could.  My group also had the Scoutmaster with arthritis in his knees.  This made the 3 day hike to rescue a FIVE day hike to salvation.  (This was also the guy that demanded that on the 18 hour Amtrak ride we stay in FULL SCOUT UNIFORM.  Meaning that we had to ride an extremely full public train in full dork regalia.  So uncomfortable in restrictive clothing and humiliated that most of us couldn't sleep.  (So this whole story really starts with sleep deprivation) I hate that man to this day.)

Luckily by the time we made it to the end I could see out of my left eye and flex my hands again.  Good times.

That kept me entertained for thirty- eight minutes and 46.9 seconds.

Whooikihj...lowe...How? HOW? How.. How Fastye...NO! Fayst...fff-ass-t.. fast..

[Combat Wombat]

omfgcows, I have a somewhat related story. Not nearly as bad as cement, but one time a construction worker threw a sandwich at me from a job site.

[Stobbin]

Undaka-ba-donk has a learning disability.  

Commence face-palm.

[Kelreth]

I tend to make an ass of my self on a weekly basis, so I don't remember anything specific as it happens often enough

actually the worse is an inside joke with some friends from home were I wasn't thinking one night and said boobs were made of muscle. when i meant that there is muscle under the boob not that they are made of it. Now theres a joke with me as the pun

[Stu]

Do you guys ever think of your embarrassing moments and start saying things as you think of them out loud?  I do this a lot no matter where I am like if I ever said something randomly stupid to someone (I do that a lot) or shake someones hand when they where just pointing to there hand.  Anyways when I think of those moments I start saying my name out loud like I'm yelling at me and then I start saying "you stupid idiot" and then comes another embarrasing moment when someone was watching me do that and that just multiplied the whole fucking thing...

I hope someone else does this or I would either feel stupid or special...

You mean when you're thinking of something really random, then someone asks you something and you blurt out what you were thinking? If so then yeah that happens all the time. You'd think that people would like the fact that you say what you think, but you'd be surprised.

Me, at work with a client: "Ok, I need you to sign this taco please."
(Confused look from client)
"... I mean paper."
My boss: "Alisa, do you need to take the rest of the day off?"

Haha tacos wtf?

[SquidPron]

Haha tacos wtf?

Yeah I was thinking about how much I wanted a taco because I was hungry and blurted it out without even noticing. I do that ALL the time, but that was the most memorable occurrence.

[Kenyan Bee Thief]

ooh, I remember one now!
So before I got my beastly awesome computer I had to make do with my parents' computers for everything I do on a computer.  I was new to torrenting, but it was simple enough.  Anywho, being the teenager horndog I was I torrented porn of some sort.  UTorrent, which I was using at the time will give you an update message when the download is complete, and if the screen-saver is on, it will wait until someone comes to use the computer to give that message.

So while I'm at school my mom gets on the computer and sees a little popup in the bottom right corner.  As I recall it said something to the effect of "Triple x mega porn pack has finished downloading."

It hurts me just to think about it.

[DaRKToFu/CoNFuZD]

Ouch that sounds, well... what'd she do after?

[Dominator]

Always go with plan B.  Omg someone is hacking your computer, fail safe.

[Stobbin]

Did she enjoy the porn?

[xfreak341xx]

nice one Kenyan and that's why i own my own computer

[Kenyan Bee Thief]

nice one Kenyan and that's why i own my own computer

Make sure to mark your territory.

[xfreak341xx]

trust me i has.......too many times.....lets just say......JIZZ IN MY PANTS....not really im not big on porn

[Luko]

or not big in general...
*snickers*