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Benny Burnsalot
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« on: May 23, 2011, 09:17:36 PM » |
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Benny zoomed down the highway in his light blue Reliant Regal. The road had cracks poorly filled in with low quality tar, obviously done by workers who didn't give a rat's ass about the safety of others, so long as they get their paycheck and go home to rub their fried-chicken grease stained faces against their wife's freshly shaven stubble.
He adjusted the mirror, looking at the stretch of road behind him. He saw only but a truck in the distance, being driven by a horribly overweight man with rather bushy eyebrows, poorly shaven face and a bright red baseball cap. The bill of his hat was mangled, obviously the hat had been in use for quite some time. The logo on the forehead of it advertised some form of cheap beer, something that probably tasted like heart disease mixed with hobo urine.
Benny grimaced at the thought of Hobo-urine/Heart Disease. He looked down at a cup holder to the right of his right knee, he picked up a wet-nap and wiped away a smudge or two from the eyeholes of his gasmask. He rolled down his window, tossing the wet-nap out of the car. It hitting a small, disease ridden mammal. "Probably an improvement", Benny thought.
Exit 9001: Next left. read a sign. Benny was almost to his destination. He looked down at his suit, obviously fit for the job he was about to do. Simple and dark-grey, with a green tie and a white dress shirt underneath, the collar and sleeves long enough to reach his fire retardant mitts and gasmask, not showing any skin at all.
Benny looked back to the road, not wanting to get into a car-wreck for admiring is slick sense of fashion. Looking to the left he saw the sign Exit 9001: TURN LEFT NOW, ASSHAT. Benny did just that. He found himself in a small, but somewhat busy town. Children played on the sidewalks, hitting eachother with Foam swords, their fists, unloaded pistols and severed limbs. Obviously a place of class.
Benny eventually reached a small office building. He pulled into the parking lot, to find a spot reserved for "Benjamin Von Combustsworthy." "Bullshit typos." he thought, pulling into said spot. He checked himself once more to make sure nothing was out of place. He didn't want to make a fashion faux pas, especially how news spreads around the office.
Looking to the cars beside him, he found himself wedged between an old fashioned Volkswagen beetle, surprisingly in good shape along with a poorly maintained Jeep, the majority of it crusted over with dried mud.
He began to make his way to the door, reaching out his fire-retardant hand to pull open the large, glass door with a heavy iron frame. It screeched loudly as Benny tugged on the "PULL" handle, various people stopping what they were doing to boggle at the noise, eyes darting towards the door.
Stepping inside, Benny looked over the office. It was quiet, most of the time, only the clatter of keys, the printer humming and groaning when in use and the bubbling of the coffee pot. It was usually emptied within minutes due to the buildings high tolerance to caffeine.
In front of him was a secretaries desk, behind said desk was a 3, maybe 3 and 1/2 foot tall Mexican man. Benny raised an eyebrow while smirking, thankful his expression was hidden under his gasmask. He looked over the man's desk, it being littered with various papers and a small therapeutic fountain, the water replaced with some form of soft drink. Amongst all these knick-knacks was a nameplate, it read "Guillermo"
"Oh! Si, Mister Combustsworthy, es muy fantastic you could make it in today. Your office is right over there." said Guillermo, smiling. "Moochy grassy-ass, Guillermo. It's Burnsalot, by the way." Benny said, giving a small salute. Guillermo's happy expression turned into a confused one at Benny's poor attempt to speak spanish.
Benny walked over to a door, it read "Combustsworthy". He let out a long, loud sigh, a few of the fellow office workers looking up, confused what the hubbub was about. He opened the door, and walked inside. The room was nice, a well-crafted desk, a good computer, a large pleather chair with padded armrests. On his desk sat various pictures of brightly colored equestrian mammals with various symbols on their hips and pictures of mouth-watering sandwiches. Sweet memories.
He sat down in his chair, scooting up so he could type into the computer with ease. He pressed the "ON" button on the computor tower, it starting to groan loudly as the fans turned on inside the machine, to prevent overheating.
Eventually a menu popped up on the screen. The options read "COMBUSTSWORTHY" and "GUEST". Benny facepalmed as he clicked on "COMBUSTSWORTHY", the screen popped up with the classic green hills and blue sky. He clicked a couple times on "Mozilla Firefox" and logged into his Email.
"Jelly Belly... Jelly Belly... Warcraft Scam... Jelly Belly... Jelly Belly... Warcraft Scam... Warcraft Scam... Hilariously engrish Warcraft Scam... ancestry..." said Benny aloud, obviously nothing new popping up in his email, until he found an Email reading "PONY FANFIC: Cupcakes, a Hilarious Slapstick Comedy". "Huh. It's promising laughs...", Benny's mouse cursor moved slowly over the email entry...
Guillermo poked at the therapeutic fountain a few times, wiping off the diet coca-cola he replaced the water with on his pants, his day obviously moving slowly. He looked around the office. Clicka-clacka-clicka... "Este trabajo es tan aburrido" he thought...
A shrill scream came from Benny's office. "HOOOOOLLLLYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!" Guillermo hopped down from his stool and speed-walked over to the door, opening it up to make sure he was okay. "M-Make... it go away. I want my mama!" blubbered a voice from under Benny's desk. Two eyeholes popped from under the desk. "GUILLERMO! Thank god your here... M-Make it stop!" "Que?" replied Guillermo. "G-GUILLERMO! Th-The... computer..."
Guillermo walked hesitantly over to the computor and looked at the screen. He recoiled slightly in reaction and quickly turned off the computor. "Mister Combustsworthy, es seguro salir" "W-WHAT!?" Guillermo let out a soft sigh "It's gone." "Y-Y'sure?" "Si." "Good..."
Benny crawled out from under the desk, still shivering slightly in fear. "G-Guillermo... I-I'm... gonna take... the day off now..." he said, as he lumbered towards the door. Guillermo pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously flabbergasted over the antics of what just happened.
Benny left the room, walking over to the coffee pot, pouring himself a cup and pulling out a small straw. He stuck one end of the straw into the coffee and the other into his filter. He drank it hastily, threw the mug on the ground and bolted out of the office. He hopped into his car and sped off towards home.
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